Why can’t parents just say no?
Published 1 year, 8 months ago in Kids stuff.What is it with parents these days? We are so tuned in to the little darlings and their needs and demands that we have forgotten that they need boundaries as well. We don’t want to disappoint them, we don’t want anyone else to and we protect them from all the ups and downs in life so that they have no chance of coping with all the circumstances ahead of them in their adult lives. We fuss over their food, make sure they have every toy on the block and some, harrass their teachers when Johnny doesn’t get a pen licence the same week Jack did, we are so involved it is over the top. Then when things don’t go so well we pamper and spoil them. What sort of adults are we creating?
21 Responses to “Why can't parents just say no?”
- 1 Trackback on Sep 30th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
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You can see the type of person that is being created, screaming at a shop assistant because they can’t return that item that they have obviously used and no longer want, even though it is not faulty. Rude, self-lothing sociopathic drippling morons, but we can’t complain because their rights seem to have the ability to quash our rights.
Praise the lord
theshadow
I agree… kids need boundaries and less babying… but at the same time, they need more freedom… how is a kid supposed to accept the fact that they don’t have the latest console game when they’re not allowed to go to the park to play? Of course they’re going to want the game if they haven’t even got the freedom to walk down the street without mummy or daddy tagging along to keep an eye on them.
Children as something other than smaller, weaker, less able adults is only a relatively new concept, we are still finding our way. 80 years ago we were still sending 12 year olds down the coal mines. Third world countries still have their children utilised as a cheap slave labour force. We fuss over and spoil our children because we can afford to do it. No doubt, in some respects we have gone too far, mostly as a reaction to our upbringing where we feel we missed out on a lot of stuff. The pendulum always swings too far before it comes back.
We are the ones, apparently, spoiling our generation, not teaching them correctly, not bringing them up the way we were brought up, being too soft, treating our kids as little friends rather than children (or smaller, less able adults). But we are the way we are because of the way we were brought up ! It has turned us into this type of parent ! So which way is better ? We’ll have to wait and see what sort of adults our grand-kids grow up to be.
I do just say, no, end of story
Spot on skyhooks!
I saw one young mum whose daughter was having a tantrum because mum wouldn’t let her play with the chocolate machine. Mum just walked away while the kid carried on yelling. Mum left her for a couple of minutes, keeping her in site, then walked back with the stroller and told her to get in. Kid wouldn’t and mum just walked away again. Mum looked a bit embarrassed by the noise the kid was making but was encouraged by the positive looks most people were giving her. After nearly ten minutes the kid gave in and ran to mum, cuddled her and got in the pusher.
No means no in this house too.
My partner and I are very particular about food as I have discussed in other posts, but if the kids don’t want to eat it, that’s fine. I certainly don’t leap up and make them something else. That’s it until the next meal I’m afraid. They are not going to starve.
Lady Chaos, I don’t understand the correlation between wanting the latest console game and going to the park without Mum or Dad. A lot of parents are fearful of allowing their kids to go off to the park by themselves. It’s a dangerous world out there. As we have discussed, people hoon through residential streets in their cars endlessly. Children have been abducted often enough to give most parents cause for concern. Older kids bully younger kids - and we know this is a huge problem. And what happens if unsupervised kids get up to mischief? Everybody screams “where are the parents!”
I think giving in to every whim of your child or spoiling them because you feel guilty is a very differnt thing to being on hand if things should go wrong.
Another reason kids are spoilt more these is that families are smaller. Fewer kids means more per kid. More siblings means kids get lots of practice making compromises, solving problems between themselves without parents intervention, and accepting less. That and with more kids you don’t have time to placate or humour them so you tend to not pamper them as much.
On the safety aspect, it is unfortunate that you can’t let your kids out of sight these days, look at whats happened at Chadstone and Rod Laver arena!
If anyone is going to the MCG with young kids, you may be interested in a facility they have there called Tacker Tracker. You can get a small plastic band to put on your childs wrist and write your mobile number on it, so that if the child gets in to trouble, or gets lost all they have to do is go to one of the MCG employees or police and they will call you to get the child. Unfortunately it is safer however not to let youngsters go to the toilet or to get food on their own. If your child is to young to go to the toilet alone, but too old to go into the wrong sex toilet with Mum or Dad there are a number of special parenting rooms available.
in my day we got a smack but today thats not on as for me well i will sit on the fence with this one but ive seen some little stinkers trow that tantrum from hell and i wonder if the smack would solve the quick fix
I say let the child throw a tanty. When its no, its no. Whether I’m at the supermarket, at home or at the library. If my daughter throws herself to the floor and cries to get her own way, I just let her go ahead and cry. However, I do reassure her that I love her even though I am not letting her get her own way. It soon stops the tears. In the long run not giving in is all worth the dirty looks from on-lookers. Shopping trips are too bad now that she knows she can’t get everything her own way.
Sorry for the terrible grammar about to ensue, but the apostrophe key on my keyboard isnt working…
By kids going to the park by themselves, I dont mean careless parents allowing their six year old to nick off alone and unsupervised to a park filled with needles… I mean perfectly capable ~10 year olds, already equipped with mobile phones, as kids are these days, being allowed out with a friend or two, and their parents having some idea of where they are going and when theyll be back. I think its just sad when parents dont give their children an increase in freedom and responsibility. By that age, kids know the road rules (one would hope) and what to do if a stranger approaches them or if they get hurt.
In terms of bullying, that is the beautiful freedom of allowing responsible kids to go beyond their shoebox-sized backyard and playstation console… if a kid is being bullied at school, theyre stuck there, but if they encounter bullying, intimidation or rude remarks when theyre out and about, they can leave whenever they want, and thus will learn how to deal with these problems maturely in a setting where there is no teacher. Although, if bullying is serious, with bullies following kids from one place to another, action would need to be taken… but this is not what happens in the majority of cases - bullying seems to be mostly, and understandably, limited to places where kids are forced to be together (e.g. school, sport clubs, siblings, etc).
I guess parents have to ask themselves, what is more likely to damage their kids - the incredibly low risk (and it is incredibly low) of abduction or assault from a stranger, or obesity and psychological problems from a life centred entirely on the virtual world of computer games, TV and the internet because the real world is too dangerous? Child depression and anxiety is on the rise… I know I wouldnt want to protect a child all their life only to have them commit suicide.
If kids worlds are diverse and varied, without being unnecessarily dangerous (obviously parents need to know where kids are going and a time when they will be home), they will learn about and appreciate life and be less demanding. If all a kid has to look forward to outside of school is entertainment from material objects which parents must buy for them, then of course they will be demanding these things like theres no tomorrow. But if kids know that life is still fun even if they dont have all the latest computer games, theyll understand when their parents say no.
And, apparently, time in natural surroundings (e.g. parks) is amazingly beneficial to kids in terms of prevention and treatment of ADHD. With the tiny size of backyards these days, to have any sizeable portion of time spent in the outdoors on a day-to-day basis, older kids must be allowed to play outside the house without constant parental supervision.
Perhaps if mum or dad went to the park with their 10year old, they wouldn’t need the mobile phone! - Gotta tell you that I can’t stand seeing kids with mobiles! but perhaps that’s another post.
You know LadyChaos there are a lot of over weight parents out there as well. What’s wrong with parents getting out and kicking the footy with the kids or flying a kite or taking the dog out. It’s called active parenting. It shows that a parent cares about where their child is, who they seeing, and what they are getting up to. One of the biggest problems that we have as a society is that our children, in general, get more and more of what they don’t need - materialistic crap and less and less of what they do need - our time and attention.
If more parents took the time to be a little more vigilant and a little less indulgent we would have a lot more satisfied, fulfilled, well adjusted adults in the future.
I, for one, would not consider letting my almost-10yo daughter go to the park without parental supervision. I used to be a policewoman and have seen enough terrible things happen to kids by strangers in areas such as parks. I don’t care how small the risk is of anything bad happening to her; it’s a risk I’m not prepared to take as a mother. Independence is one thing, but risky behaviour is something else again. How many safety-conscious 10 year old would be capable of fighting off an adult if things went wrong?
I recall the ‘old days’ where I used to spend my weekends as a child riding my bike with friends down at the local creek. We would only come home for meals! And although I would love my child to be able to experience the freedom that I did as a child, I know enough to not allow this in these times.
I am trying to teach my daughter freedom and independence by other means. She had learned that bad behaviour equals serious consequences and that good behaviour is rewarded with praise and a certain amount of independence. We live in a unit where our back yard is small. But I have been able to put a trampoline there and most of her friends come over during the week to play outside. Our next door neighbour has a pool, so the kids also get together there. I think it actually brings out community closer together.
As for the whole ‘bullying’ issue. Yes, I agree that in some caes, it can be very damaging to the child. However, at school, I see parents who are constantly bothering the teacher or the school principal because their child is upset because one other child didn’t want them to play with them on that day. My daughter is in a class where the dynamics, especially b/w the girls, are constantly changing. They are friends one day, supposed enemies the next. Unless it becomes serious, I will always step back and let them sort it out themselves. I have told my daughter, ‘if that child was mean to you, then don’t play with them. Play with someone who’s nice.’. It’s that simple. She used to cry when others were mean to her. Now, she has learned to speak her mind, walk away and play with nicer children.
I couldn’t agree with you more aquamoon. Freedom and independence need to be learned in a controlled environment. I used to share a house with a police officer and as a woman she was often assigned cases to do with sexual predators. These people are drawn to the places where children play and target unsupervised, vulnerable kids. Sure it is a small risk, but like you, it is not one that I am ever going to take.
On the flip side, what does really does concern me is the sorts of things that groups of unsupervised kids can get up to. I’m sure everybody heard about the case recently where a group of school boys sexually assaulted a mentally handicapped girl, filmed it and then sold the DVD at school. I don’t think I have ever been so sickened in all my life. I did say to myself ” where are the parents?” Not just on that particular day but everyday. I really believe that if the parents of these boys had been present and switched on throughout their young lives then this sort of behaviour would never have become acceptable to them.
Hmmm, perhaps you have to actually have kids rather than having recently been one to understand this issue… sorry if I have it totally wrong.
I know it’s good for parents to accompany their kids to the park and to take them places, but in the reality world where both parents work full time, it’s really not possible… sure, they might be able to do it a bit, but not to the extent that kids need time in nature. Kids are important, but parents are human beings and need a brief moment to put their feet up and do something that they actually enjoy too.
I didn’t know people were so worried about predators… especially in very public places. Maybe it’s one of those things you have to have kids to understand… I just know how much more damage mental illness and obesity do than the very rare sexual assaults by strangers (usually it’s someone the child knows and the child’s family knows).
Kids need supervision, but one day they won’t have it (e.g. suddenly they’ll be travelling by themselves to high school), and all the freedom will come crashing down on them, and they’ll be tempted to experience all of it at once with no idea of how to cope with the situations that may arise… and I think that’s where the danger is. I was 11 when I started high school… and I think if my parents would have gradually allowed me a bit more freedom during late childhood then the transition would have been more smooth. I think it’s better to teach kids how to deal with danger should it arise rather than just constantly protecting them from it (and then suddenly stopping) when they reach some magical age.
Parents don’t have to be present all the time to be supportive to their kids… it is a wonderful feeling for a young person when they make a mistake that their parents don’t know about, they themselves realise it is a mistake, think “I’m never going to do that again”, and have learned right from wrong without experiencing any punishment, more shame, forced, false apologies or the like. If parents know about EVERY little thing kids do, there is no space for them to learn of their own accord - if the only punishment is from parents (and not the child’s conscience), then as soon as the parents stop punishing the kids for mistakes, assuming them to be more mature, the kids will run wild. Of course, all kids are different and may need more or less parental supervision and discipline at different ages.
But still, I guess I won’t know what I’m talking about until I have kids myself… all’s I know is that life is so, so, so incredibly much better as a grown up. Childhood was a tiny, controlled world that was good at times but nothing compared to the wonderful freedom to learn for myself and be responsible for my own actions.
I have several concerns regarding my childrens safety and some of the comments above. My 11 & 12 year old kids are allowed to go to the park which is at the top of my street 4 houses away but there are conditions.Even though I can see them from my window. If the group of 12-16 year olds that frequent the park, only to cause trouble,( they cause fights amongst the other kids, push them off the skating area,and generally have foul mouths and are bullies,police intervention has not helped) my kids know they are to come straight home.This is very hard for them as they are doing nothing wrong but playing on the playground or taking our dog for a walk and playing with him at he park. Not only is that one of the concerns but also as mentioned above, one burly adult could easily interfere or abduct one of my kids before I could do anything about it,even though I can clearly see the kids. It only takes a second for something to happen.When I was even younger than them I played at the same park, only then it was a paddock.I live next door to my parents so have grown up in the same area. Todays world is alot different than when I was a child.We use to leave the doors and windows open all night without ever worrying someone would even think about breaking in let alone actually doing it as is done today.As grumpyoldman says,re; mobile phone tags, great idea. I up until last year actually wrote my mobile number on my kids arms when we went to the football in case they got lost (not much chance of that happening as they are never aloud to go to the toilet or food area without my husband or I anyway),but just as a precaution. Even at home as mentioned above also, they cannot play safely in our 10 house street anymore due to the hoon drivers roaring up and down.Every time I hear that screech my heart thumps and I check out the front to make sure the kids are OK. They may be just kicking the footy, playing cricket or even chasy.It only takes a split second for disaster to strike and I certainly would not put my kids in any danger for the sake of giving them a little’freedom’.I can assure Lady Chaos of one thing when you do have kids you will think differently as it is not about you anymore but all about your children, ask any parent and they will agree.
Ladychaos, I hope I never punish my children for making a mistake. I think you will find that your attitude will undergo a massive change when and if you have kids. Mine certainly did.
I have just got my kid a mobile phone and it’s been a real drag trying to set it up. I’ve put all these restrictions on it - $25 prepaid but she is already pushing the boundaries. It’s been great - twice - in emergencies. Such peace of mind. Any ideas to help make mobile use functional and inexpensive?
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